I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
In banana years, I am bread.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.