I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.