I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.