I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The booster protects against what, now?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*