I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
They got Raph!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess