I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*