I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Brilliant!
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.