I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
You Might Also Like
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler