I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Trying
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?