I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.


Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002


A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.


The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”


Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”


Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon


Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”