
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you