I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Okay me first
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
No, he would not have.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.