I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

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This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.


I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.


Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.


I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”


[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]


[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.


if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you