@slackerjorge Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
@Desert_Musings I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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@slackerjorge 
@living_marble Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
@ericsshadow Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
@VerifiedDrunk A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
@valerie_tosi The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
@fluffysuse I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
@timdonakowski Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
@IchBins_SN Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
@AngryRaccoon2 I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends