@bingowings14 I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
@Desert_Musings I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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@bingowings14 
@noog This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.
@BabetteJones One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
@TheRolo One venti cheeseburger please.
@JennyPentland I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@10InchesPlus Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
@chewlongkok_ [On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
@TheRealPalMal [Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
@CornOnTheGoblin if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you