I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
LMAO
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I have never related to anyone more.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Noah was an idiot.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.