I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I came this close!!!!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.