I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Become ungovernable.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Speak now or ever hold your peace
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.