I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.