I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind