I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
m’lady
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”