I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You Might Also Like
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’m already scared
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Don’t tell me what to do
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!