“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Time for evil
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins