I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Somebody’s lying.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires