I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You Might Also Like
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I think they could have phrased this better