I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Guy who likes music
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
back to work
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.