I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
British websites use biscuits.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?