“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you