“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.


Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber


Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.


Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”


*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*


There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.


[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda


“Are you sexually active?”
“Any drug use?”
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*