I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You Might Also Like
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Not messing around
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.