I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
🌱🌱🌱
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?