I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
How to woo a woman
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”