I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”