I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
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Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”