I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.