Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ghost your hitman.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

the composer

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey