Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.