@GinGander

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

@ilovepie84

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@david8hughes

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@FivePointsVids

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate