@Home_Halfway ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
@GinGander I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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@Home_Halfway 
@DiamondLou69 If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
@Tommytoughstuff Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
@ilovepie84 Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
@Darlainky My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
@bdbdleeroybrown I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
@samalmightysam That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
@david8hughes Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
@coalslag *Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
@FivePointsVids I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate