I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

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ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager


If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.


Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.


Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.


My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.


I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.


Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas


*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*


I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate