i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?