I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
THIS HEADLINE
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The Purge: Valentine’s Day