I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.