I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.