I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Life is a suicide mission.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does