I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.