@ObscureGent Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
@ReelQuinn I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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@ObscureGent 
@Kim_pulsive I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
@C00LpenNAME *Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
@PhriendlyCody church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
@FU_Scopely My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
@XplodingUnicorn I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
@24HourBitching Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
@SardonicTart Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
@islaperrabonita SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
@AimeeHelene1 Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.