Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”
(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Manager *starts timer*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.