@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

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@ObscureGent

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

@Kim_pulsive

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

@PhriendlyCody

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

@XplodingUnicorn

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@islaperrabonita

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@AimeeHelene1

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.