I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The Punning Dead.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
catch me on valentine’s day like
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off