I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m confused about plants
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“I FIXED IT!”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.