I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Hmm, not sure about this change
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.