i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Best spot.. 😅
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
and now we wait
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS