I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.