I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*orders delivery*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt