I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.