I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
This meeting could have been a cake
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Facebook Twitter
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.