I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means