I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
lmao
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*