I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
there has never been a better use of this meme
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.