I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The fall of Netflix
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*