I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.