I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Spell check is for lasers.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not